Because Of Love

Was that understanding? Or was it a concession? She wondered as a soreness filled her chest.

Digging her fingernails into the palms of her hands, she gave him a strained smile, an apology on her lips. She was too much of a coward to trust that he was done searching. To trust that the peace he was desperately looking for was with her. The peace that he greatly needed. She truly understood that he should seek it out until he found it, even if it meant leaving her behind. She understood. She supported him even if it hurt like hell. With that thought, the gatekeeper slowly pushed the door closed, snuffing out that little light.

It was better to be clear, resolute than jeep encouraging something that would only end badly. The man wouldn’t even let her into the darkest corners of his heart and mind, the reasons behind his anxieties. If he couldn’t trust her with those, how could she trust her with her heart, her future? It was like asking her to bungee jump three thousand feet off the ground with no harness or safety net.

“Rafe,” she started, hoping to put the subject to bed until they were both in the right place mentally and emotionally.

He quickly turned away from her then said, “Do you know…” he paused, his voice thick with emotion.

Talia wanted to reach out to him but stopped herself. He was regrouping, getting his emotions in check before he spoke again.

He took a step forward towards the pair of cushioned wicker chairs and a table with a glass top and settled himself in the furthest one.

“Do you know why I asked for a tour?” he asked, his voice clearer but quiet.This content © Nôv/elDr(a)m/a.Org.

“To see the house?” she answered just as quietly.

He shook his head slowly from side to side, “No. I wanted to see what you see.”

Ha? She looked at the profile of his face, confused.

“All I saw when we pulled up was bricks, wood, a few trees and grass.”

She nodded sadly, finally understanding. All he saw were facts, lines on a piece of paper.

“When you jumped out before I stopped the car, I wondered what had gotten you so riled up. It was just a house, not even a mansion.”

The quiet tone he spoke was so otherworldly, it was as if he wasn’t present. As if he wasn’t speaking to her at all. He was staring out at the sparse houses and trees and far off ocean and yet, she was sure he was seeing nothing.

Quietly, she settled in the empty chair next to him and listened.

“I called you but you didn’t answer. You just stood staring at his building, eyes shining, the biggest smile on your face and your arms.” He raised his arms off the arms of the chair slightly. “It looked like you were ready to take flight.” His lips pulled in a strained smile before they flattened. “I just thought, ridiculous.”

Talia felt a chill wrap around her and she pulled into herself, crossing her arms over her chest and tucking them into the crooks of her inner elbows. What is this? she wondered. The way he spoke, it somewhat frightened her at some level.

“Then I went round the back of the car, stood behind you and called you again. That close and you still didn’t hear me. So I looked at what you were looking at and that’s when I saw it.”

A long exhale of air escaped his parted lips and he seemed to shrink in the chair a little, Talia noted.

“It wasn’t just a house, trees and well-manicured lawn. It was the greenness of the grass, the wild colors of the flowers along the driveway and the walkway. It was the way the trees gently swayed in the breeze that I could barely feel against my skin. The earthiness of the house that made it seem like part of it had been carved out of a millennial old boulder…. I don’t quite understand it. Everything stopped seeming so black and white,” he chuckled humorlessly. “It gave me goosebumps,” he turned to face her with a weak smile. “Ridiculous, right?”

Talia smiled patiently at him, knowing he wasn’t really looking for her to confirm or reject his epiphany. If he only knew that very feeling was the reason why she fell in love with the house. It looked wise, if she could even say that. That the feeling of safety and security it gave gave her a haven, she hadn’t felt it with any other house.

Talia came to a realization of her own then. Rafe was a professional in masking his emotions. She hadn’t noticed even once his internal conflict when they stood outside the house. She felt her shoulders sag with additional pressure, the cold reality of how impossible being together was seeping back into her bones. Rafe needed more than she could ever give.

“You say I’m hiding,” he murmured, his gaze holding hers with such intensity she dared not blink. “Yes, I was hiding on my yachts in Italy, yes I did run to Boston to escape. But when I met you I suddenly wanted more, out of life, out of work. I wanted to exist, to be.”

He leaned in towards her and Talia unconsciously leaned slightly away.

“I’m not hiding with you. I’m learning.”

Something shifted inside her and sudden tears filled her eyes as her throat began to burn with emotion.

Now what was she supposed to do with that?

Quickly she turned away before the tears spilled. She blinked rapidly chasing the suckers back as they melted her resolve. In an effort to put back the barrier and seal that confession had burned through like highly corrosive acid poured in the glass jar that was her heart she asked, “Rafe, have you ever been in love?”

When no response came she turned with baited breath to face him, only to find him looking out at the approaching clouds in the dull sky as the afternoon light slowly disappeared as evening approached.

“I never pictured my life, my future being anything but work and living up to my father’s expectations.”

What was that supposed to mean? Was that a no or a yes? Time to approach it from a different angle.

“What about marriage? Have you never thought of ever falling in love and getting married to the love of your life? Or will it be arranged like one of those elite families from the K-drama you love watching so much,” she tried to make it a joke but it just came out sad when the reality of the possibility of that happening sat heavily on her heart.

To make it worse, the tick in his jaw, the up and down movement of his Adam’s apple was like a boulder tied to her heart, sinking down to the belly of the sea. She wasn’t far off the mark.

Her breath stuttered in her chest. Did he already have an arranged marriage, a fiancée his wealthy family had already picked out for him?

Por dios, no!

“Nothing more than a business transaction,” he stated coldly. “All for profit, expansion, no sentiments included. No name, no face, just another business deal sharing a bed. Sex is nothing more than making a prerequisite child to seal the deal for life. Then everyone goes on with their lives separately as the nannies raise the poor damned child who’ll never know what true parental love feels like.” He looked at her then, his eyes harsh and cold. “Whomever brought more to the table out of a list of candidates walked down the aisle.”

Holy hell! If she were to be described in that manner, she’d book the fastest ticket to the nearest convent.

“Bella, I would need to know what love is to be able to answer your question.”

Her heart hit her rib cage so hard it echoed in her ears. She had every reason to be hesitant. This man here was Rafael DeLuca II, well known businessman from a family of old money and one of the few wealthiest in the world. He might as well be Prince William. There was no way his family was going to let him have any kind of relationship with her. It would be like Cinderella, only the stepmother and stepsisters would be her in-laws.

“So that means…” she mumbled unconsciously.

“It means nothing to us,” he returned vehemently, his eyes burning with such conviction she believed him. Almost.

Panicked, she asked, “But, that is what you are running from, isn’t it? Your father-”

“My father is a fraud that I have spent most of my life trying to emulate. He’s a bully who reaps from the efforts of those weaker than him and that will not be me.”

‘Don’t call me that’ and the way he said it like she’d taken a hot iron to his skin echoed in her mind. Clearly there were a lot of issues there that needed addressing if not to be solved.

“So what does that mean?” for us, she added silently.