BREAKING POINT

“Look Penny, I’m bloody sorry. I have behaved so damn badly. I know it. I feel all kinds of a louse. I can only ask you to forgive me. It hasn’t been too easy for me… Being away all the time, and then you did keep it from me, didn’t you?” he ended stuttering.

Her dark velvety eyes looked at him stonily. She said :

“I did and I expect I was wrong. But quite honestly, if I had told you that I was pregnant at the beginning, wouldn’t you have suggested I had an abortion?”

The direct question threw him off balance. He scowled and shifted from one foot to the other.

“Possibly.. But….”

“No. Quite certainly” she broke in.

“Well, it’s so damn awkward…”

She interrupted again.

“Most awkward… For both of us. I knew you wouldn’t want a child and I don’t happen to believe in abortions. I take my share of the blame for our carelessness, and I am sure now that I should never have shielded you from all the worry and misery that I had to go through. But if I had told you…. I repeat, you would only have asked me to get rid of it, so we are back to square one ”

He eyed her resentfully. He was so unused to Penny… Sweet, clinging, loving Penny… Standing up to him like this. He muttered :

“I have said I’m sorry. And I will marry you. I can see… It’s my duty. Whether I want to or not. I have to”

Her face crimsoned. Her eyes momentarily flashed.

“Thanks.. For the second time, I turn down the charming offer. When Howard is a man and hears the truth I’m sure he will be glad I didn’t give him a reluctant father. He will be much better off with Audrey and me”Còntens bel0ngs to Nô(v)elDr/a/ma.Org

“And that worthy doctor who has been mooching round after you” put in Jeremy with sudden malice.

It was after those words that Penny felt the pain and anguish of parting from Jeremy turn to ashes. She stood looking at him for an instant with pity in her eyes.

“Good bye Jeremy” she said. “What a lot you’re going to miss. Howard is a marvelous baby. You have lost him.. Your son.. And you have lost me and I did love you, you know, with all my heart and soul”

Suddenly he snatched at her hand. His face twisted.. Red.. Perspiring. It seemed to her like the face of a child who sees his toys being taken away. Toys it had broken and now, too late, wanted back again.

“Penny, don’t go. I would like to see my son… Penny… Honestly I would. I know I behaved horribly. I don’t know what it is. I’m so awful at times. I know it.. But I can’t help it. Penny, come back to me. This has been an awful shock. You sprang it on me. It took me unawares.

But she had shut her ears to his hoarse stammering voice and her eyes to that contemptibly cowardly face. She began to pack. She went on steadily packing, never answering while he continued to rant and rave. Finally he stopped. He packed his own bag and left the flat. As he opened the front door, he gave a bitter look and said :

“Well, you have had your revenge. I hope it pleases you”

Then she spoke and this time the tears streamed down her face and her whole body seemed steeped in pain. She said,

“No. It doesn’t please me at all, Jeremy. Nothing about the end of our once marvelous love pleases me. But we are best apart now, Jeremy. We could never be any good to each other. We have both made dreadful mistakes. The sort of mistake which would poison our lives if we did marry. It’s all such a nightmare. I want to get it over and done with and I’m sure you do ”

“Okay” he said briefly, “But never say I didn’t offer to marry you. I don’t understand you… You are not the girl I used to love”

“No” she whispered, and drew a hand across her trembling lips. “I’m not, Jeremy. And you have never been the man I used to love. It’s all been in my imagination. A fantasy. A fairy tale”

“Look Penny, damn it… I loved you too. Surely you believe that” he began.

She was so afraid he would weaken her, try to make amends, she shut the door in his face.

She heard him go down the stairs. She went back into the bedroom.

She heard the ugly echo of Jeremy’s words. ‘And that worthy doctor who has been mooching after you’

Joey he had meant of course… Dear, kindly, honest Joey who had been so good to her. Who had stood by her through all this last year of agony and indecision.. And who truly loved her. That love.. Apart from the present, physical anguish of the passion she had felt for Jeremy… Seemed so healing and lovely today… A balm that took the terrible edge off her scalding pain.

Feeling suddenly weak, she lay down on the bed and shut her eyes. There was a cold hard lump in her throat and she wanted to cry again and couldn’t.

She remembered how she’d gotten here. The first time she met Jeremy… Their relationship… little Howard, Audrey…. Joey….. Joey who had loved her so much even when she loved another.

She buried her head in the pillow that still smelt of Jeremy and watched her statue that was Jeremy melt beneath her scalding tears.

————

Unable to remain in the flat filled with memories of her relationship with Jeremy, Penny decided to leave… Permanently.

It wasn’t easy getting packed. Everything she touched seemed to bring back memories of Jeremy. The pillow still smelt like him, and when she found a shirt of his in the bedroom, she was crying all over again, even when she had promised herself she would stop. She packed most of her things, sold and got rid of the rest and returned to Audrey’s house.

How did she not see the kind of person Jeremy was. It was so clear for anyone to see…. It was right there in her face. Audrey and Joey saw it, but she had tied a blindfold over her eyes. She hadn’t wanted to see… So she didn’t.

And it took getting hurt in the worst way possible for her to realize the kind of person she had gotten herself involved with.