CHAPTER 127: IT’S A NO
The constant knock on the door pulled me out of my nap. Even before going closer to it, I knew who it was. But this time, what I wanted was clear, I couldn’t keep up with him constantly manipulating me every time. I had thought about telling him about what I had heard but then to what extent? He would simply find words to push it all aside. Or maybe I was being selfish to have such thoughts or misread his feelings towards me. After all, it had always been just a fling. Why did I expect it to change now? I heard the knock again and my chest tightened. A part of me still hoped that I had heard wrongly even if his words had been clear.
With a deep breath, I composed myself. Squaring my shoulders, I marched towards the door and flung it open.Property © 2024 N0(v)elDrama.Org.
Kieran stood there, his expression was a mixture of concern and something else I couldn’t decipher. He looked hopeful, almost eager, and that only fueled my anger.
“Clara,” he said, his voice warm. “I was wondering if you’d like to join me for breakfast?”
He can’t be serious.
“No, thank you,” I replied, “I’m not really hungry.”
That was a lie but I couldn’t bring myself to share a meal with him, not yet. Not when every stolen glance or every word that we would share would be a reminder of the truth I desperately wanted to deny.
His smile faltered, “Are you sure you’re alright, Clara?”
“Of course, I am,” I said, “Why wouldn’t I be?”
He studied me for a long moment, his eyes searching mine. But I held his gaze, refusing to give anything away.
Finally, with a sigh, he stepped back. “Alright then. If, you’re sure.”
He turned to leave; his broad shoulders slumped. I wanted to call him back but then, I held firm until the door clicked shut behind him.
It wasn’t as easy as I thought, to turn him down but I had done it and it felt good. I just needed to wait a few minutes until he was done with his meal before having mine. If that was what it took to stay away from him, then I was up for it.
In the evening, I was locked in my room. I noticed the shadow across the doorway of my chamber. I pulled the door open to find Kieran standing there. He had a smile across his lips, so beautiful but I looked away. I wasn’t falling for that.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Come on, I came to see you,” he said.
“Well, what do you want?”
His brow furrowed. He was beginning to get the picture.
“Clara? I need to discuss the patrol routes for tomorrow.”
“I’m busy right now, Kieran,” I said, “Can’t it wait?”
The words were barely out of my mouth before I regretted them. His jaw clenched.
“Busy? Busy doing what, Clara?” He scoffed.
“Just… things,” I mumbled, avoiding his eyes.
“Things?” he repeated, “Since when do just do ‘things’?” He asked.
“That’s none of your business Kieran.”
“What?” he asked.
“You heard me right.”
“What is wrong with you, Clara? Why are you acting this way towards me?”
I wish he knew.
“Acting what way? I was busy before you came. Like you would always tell me to get busy. So that’s what I’m doing. If you would excuse me,” I said and closed the door before he would say another word.
I had flipped again Kieran was making me become what I was not. Everything I saw him, my heart flipped and then I would remember his words to Alex and it would become a bad memory triggering me into pushing him away. It was hard, doing the direct opposite of what you intend on doing. With Kieran, it was always hard but I had no other way to show him how pissed I was. Seeing the frustration on his face made it seem fair sometimes and when I would finally think of letting it go, I just won’t.
I leaned on the door for a few minutes long, I knew he didn’t just leave immediately, he always liked to linger around maybe hoping that I would have a change of heart and invite him to like I used to. But today, it was different. I finally gathered the courage to leave the door and flung my weary self on the bed shutting my eyes so that the sleep with take me away to a place where my mind would no longer function but then, it just didn’t work.
I had expected Kieran to come back maybe an hour later but he seemed to get the picture now, that I needed my space and didn’t show up. At first, the thought of him letting me boiled in me but later on, I knew he had much respect for me to actually listen to me. As the sky darkened, I felt his absence again. On times like this, I would hop to his chambers and sit beside him in his study. Listen to him speak and watch him flip through those ancient scrolls, I wonder what he found enticing in them. He always had something to talk about.
There, I was doing it again, thinking about him in a good way, I grabbed the pillow and pressed it against my ear forcing my eyes closed. By the time I opened them again, it was morning.
I had made it through the night.
The constant knock on my chamber door was like a physical manifestation of the pain within me. With a deep breath, I forced myself to my feet, the anger burning in my gut.
“Come in,” I snapped, flinging the door open to reveal Kieran standing there. His brows were knitted and he placed one hand on the wall. He didn’t have his usual morning smile and I didn’t seem to care.
I went back in as soon as I opened the door like I didn’t give a hoot about his presence. Maybe I didn’t. He hadn’t come the previous night so why had he come now?
Even after I had offered him un, Kieran did not leave the door. I turned and watched him, what drama was he putting up now?
“Are you going to come in or should I shut the door?” I asked folding my arms.
He said nothing and slowly walked in.
“You can have a seat, and then spill the reason for the early morning visit,” I said facing the closet ignoring the look on his face. I knew what his visit was about, it was clear but I couldn’t exactly tell was his approach towards it was. It wasn’t quite what I was expecting but he was here that was all that mattered.
“Clara, we need to talk about your recent behavior.”
I scoffed. “My behavior?”
I sure wasn’t expecting that.
“You have changed.”
“Well, you changed me,” I said.
“I don’t understand.”
“Perhaps we should discuss your behavior first, Kieran. Especially what I overheard the other day.”
“What are you talking about?” He still had no idea.
I faced him.
The anger in his eyes mirrored my own.
“You have no idea, do you?”
“I still don’t know what you are talking about.”
“That day with the soldiers and Alex? What you said about me?”
He scoffed, “You didn’t leave immediately that day right? I see.”
“And I’m glad I didn’t leave.”
“That was a private conversation, taken out of context, Clara. Don’t be a big baby.”
“Out of context?” I repeated, my voice had begun to rise. I didn’t like that it did and I couldn’t stop it either. “So, you don’t have feelings for me? Then why the passionate kisses, the stolen moments? Were they all a lie too?”
Kieran chuckled, “This isn’t about feelings, Clara! This is about duty! About protecting this kingdom from the likes of-”
“The likes of me?” I shrieked, cutting him off. “Is that what you truly think? That I’m some kind of monster waiting to happen?”
“I never said that!”
“But you think it, don’t you?” Tears welled up in my eyes, blurring my vision. “Just like everyone else. A human, a danger to your precious kingdom.”
The look of pain that cane across his face was almost enough to break me. But the anger, the hurt, it was a dam overflowing, and there was no stopping the flow of emotions.
“Maybe you’re right, Kieran,” I said, my voice had become thick with unshed tears. I could barely even hear myself. “Maybe I don’t belong here. Maybe it’s time for me to leave.”
“Leave? Clara, you are taking this on a different level you have to calm down. I’m sorry that you heard what you heard but come on.”
“Fuck you, Kieran, I can’t be around you right now. I should have left when I had the chance.”
“Where are you going to?” He tried to grab me but I shoved just hands away.
Before he could say another word, I stormed past him, the hate that clouded my eyes pushed me forward. I didn’t care where I was going, as long as it was away from him, away from everything that he had said to me. How dare he? He had no right to make me feel the way that he always made me feel when we fought. His feelings were had to read, some days they seemed different than the others. Maybe, I should stop trying to read him. It only led me to a path of destruction whenever I tried to.