Chapter 183
I tried to concentrate on work but I couldn’t so retired to bed at eleven.
It took a while before I fell asleep but then I woke up around three in the morning unable to go back to sleep.
I felt burdened all of a sudden. I wanted to escape from this world I was tossed into now, I wished to return to the former where everything seemed perfect. Where I loved and believed I was loved back.
A stinging pain hit my heart as my reality hit hard at me. I felt lonely within me, my entire being felt like it was fading away, drained of life because Thea was my life and yet she wasn’t mine.
I let myself be vulnerable in that moment as a tear dropped down my eye. I moved to the drawer beside my bed and brought out the only picture I had of her that I couldn’t get rid of. Her smile intoxicated me all over again and my heart was beating radically for her.
I missed her like crazy, I missed holding her in my arms and she looking at me like I was the most important person in her life.
How could she have been so convincing with her act? She messed with my trust. I could never trust anyone completely again.
“When does it stop?” I muttered asking no one in particular. The pain was eating me alive. It felt like dying and I wondered how long I could last living with such pain.
Following up the investigation was only a purpose I gave myself to live. What then happens when all this was over? Life would be tasteless without Thea in it.
I fucking missed her even though I hated to admit it.
It had been a week since I instructed she began serving at the mansion. Sometimes my heart softened and I wondered if she was doing okay with all the workload. Whenever a report about her performance was to be made the first thing I wished to know was that she was still alive and had not passed out from the purnishment.
I was so fucking screwed by love. Now I understood why my mum Kept going back to Scott. This feeling was more powerful than me.
I dropped Thea’s pictures back but the urge to see her kept increasing by the second and soon I found myself walking out of my room convincing myself that I just needed some air whereas I was out in search for her.
This was around the time she resumed work in the mansion, I was sure I’d find her somewhere cleaning. I looked around for a while but couldn’t find her but there was one place where I believed she could be.
I went to the kitchen minding my steps in case she heard. I peeked slowly and my heart began hopping that I felt it would jump out of me any time.
There she was, looking lean and starved of food, I felt resentment for myself seeing the state she was in but why should I feel bad for someone who left me to be with another man? Anger fueled in me at the thought. That’s right, I thought, I should be angry not sorry.
She was scrubbing the floor weakly and I watched her in silence then suddenly she burst into tears and my conscience judged me.
I swallowed hard holding myself from stepping into the kitchen. I didn’t know why but I felt like going in to offer some comfort.
I folded my fist as I watched her tear up.
In truth, my pain aside, she wanted to be free all along but I kept her here against her will.
I recalled the day at the pool when I asked if she would leave if she got the chance. She gave no definite answer but asked if I’d let her go instead.
That should have been my hint that she wanted out and yet I was blind to see.
“I hate him… I hate him with everything in me. I hate him! He’s a monster.” She cried and I felt like a thousand daggers had been stuck to my heart tearing it apart.
Her words were definitely directed to me.
She hated me and it hurt me to my very soul. I tightened my fist wishing to destroy something with it but I couldn’t do so at the moment, not here.
I turned to leave but instead I dragged my feet causing a sound to echo.
“Whose there?” I heard her call out but I ignored and hurried away.
I took some bottle of wine and headed back to my room to wash down the pain that I was feeling.
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Thea.
With every single day that went by, I felt broken being treated the way I was. I had been starved on most days having not completed my work early.Text property © Nôvel(D)ra/ma.Org.
I was weak yet I worked like my life depended on it and yes it did.
Where was my mum in all this? Hypocrite! I cursed within me. Now I was calling for my mum but had been enjoying being in Angel’s embrace all these days while my mum was probably restricted from seeing me by the same man, while she was hurt and frustrated for not being able to see her only child.
I was blaming that same woman now when I knew she was probably doing everything she could to see me. I was the hypocrite here.
I kept scrubbing the floor as I reflected on how my life had turned out and how I didn’t deserve all this from the man I loved but what pissed me off the most was the fact that my heart constantly yearned for him in pain and desire. The anger, the hate and every negative emotion I felt for him, none could beat the love that I felt in my heart and soul for Angel.
I wished I could get rid of it but I felt powerless. It wasn’t something I could control because it consumed me, every part of me loved him without reserve.
I burst into tears realizing how screwed I was. I felt guilty because of Carl. How would I get justice for him when I desired the same man that shot and probably killed him?
I hated myself and I hated that I loved Angel.
“I hate him… I hate him with everything in me. I hate him! He’s a monster.” I cried out wishing my words would align with my heart but it didn’t.
Then I stopped suddenly as a familiar scent passed through my nostrils.
I was going insane! How could I perceive Angel’s scent at this time? Was that how helpless he rendered me?
I paused as a sound made it’s way into my ears. Was this real? Was I really sane?
“Whose there?” I asked standing to my feet. There was no answer and even though the scent I perceived earlier was getting faint I could still smell it and it was indeed Angel’s scent.
My heart drummed loudly against my chest and I blinked nervously wondering if I should confirm my suspicion.
I was warned not to let Angel see me but I wanted to see him so badly even if it were just a glimpse of him. I was dying to see him.
After a while of struggle, I hurried towards the kitchen door, my eyes darting in the corridor hoping to catch his figure but my chest twisted painfully when I found no one. I moved further looking at the corners of the mansion but nothing.
I was indeed delusional to think that Angel would even come here to see me and why would he hide even if he saw me? It made no sense.
I was breathing heavily and I felt dizzy. Actually I had been feeling dizzy for a while now and felt pain on my abdomen.
I didn’t know what the pain was but it wasn’t just hunger and it had been happening for some days now even when I ate.
Sometimes I felt like I’d faint from being dizzy and weak and other times I felt nauseous…. just like I was feeling now.
“Calm down Thea, calm down. You’ll feel fine….” I couldn’t complete my words as I quickly ran towards the sink throwing up the food I had the previous night. I tried to keep my vomiting sounds low but it was impossible and I kept throwing up till I was empty.
I fell to the floor feeling weaker than before.
This was so unfair!
I literally had to work my soul out just to eat and here I was throwing up every morning in this damned kitchen.
“It’s fine Thea. We’ll get to eat in few hours.”
I muttered. I stood up and cleaned the skin of my spew without leaving a trace then I washed my mouth to get rid of the smell.
I was too stressed and too weak that I felt dizzy and nauseaos all the time.
I even missed my period for the month because of it. I knew pills could delay them but it had been two weeks already. I needed a break from all the work so that my system returned to normal.
I rounded off my cleaning and made to leave when my tummy reacted again. I thought I had released everything in my tummy but that wasn’t true because I found myself vomiting again!
I needed to see Florentine by all means. I think I was falling sick.