Surrender Your Sensations

“Why do you have to fear dating?”

“Because I can’t recognize anyone’s face,” I snorted. It was the very obvious reason why I never tried dating anyone.

“But you decided to party tonight and have a one-night stand?” My dear best friend asked me with her most sarcastic tone.

I just sneered at her before drinking the vodka in the shot glass I was holding. I shrugged my shoulders. “I’ve already banned myself from dating and falling in love, Bailey. Maybe I can have s*x at least once before I even die.”

Bailey winced at me before pulling the end of my hair.

“Aw!”

“Be careful of what you are saying. Did I really think you were smart? Didn’t you even think that you could get sick by engaging in that one night stand you were planning? What if you get an STD?” Bailey Zara Cortez, my dear best friend, said. She shook her head in disapproval. She looked at me with her resting bitch face.

Oh, believe me, I was not sure what her resting bitch face really looked like but based on her sarcastic tone, it was definitely an expression you could surely say ‘bitchy’.Belongs to (N)ôvel/Drama.Org.

Well, this was just how it worked for me; someone who was suffering from prosopagnosia or also known by many as face-blindness.

I could not distinguish the facial features of the people I meet. Because of that, I was not able to recall their faces and my brain did not remember them.

Actually, it took me years before I got accustomed to Bailey’s mannerisms; her way of speaking and smell. That was how I remembered her. Until one day, during high school, Bailey’s face suddenly became clearer to me. Unlike others I met whose face was blurred, I gradually saw the distinct features of Bailey’s face. Her slightly chinky eyes with long lashes, thin lips and her very cute upturned nose. However, I still failed to see her face as a whole and thus, it was still impossible for me to recognize her when she was far away. She had to come to me upclose and then I had to stare at her face for quite a while before I could finally get to know it was her.

And having this kind of disability really sucks. I felt guilty sometimes for not recognizing my own best friend. However, what could I do? This was just how I was. I could not distinguish people’s faces; even the most important people in my life like my own family.

“Now, you’re suddenly zoning out.” Bailey huffed and her typical irritated voice made me laugh.

“I just realized I had to enjoy my life, Bailey.” I sighed. “After recovering from cancer, I don’t think allowing my inhibitions to take over me is the best way to enjoy this second life that I have right now.” I winked at her before standing up from my seat.

I tapped her shoulder when I noticed the sudden staining of her eyes. One thing that I treasure the most was probably rare moments when I could see the expression in the faces of people around me. I often had to be too close to the person to see the emotions in his eyes.

Prosopagnosia included the difficulty of distinguishing facial expressions because for people like me, it was difficult to see the whole face of another person.

But even though I could not see Bailey’s expression, I knew how hurt and scared she was when I told her I was diagnosed with breast cancer, almost two years ago.

“You know I can be a bitch sometimes but that’s not because I want to hinder your happiness.” Bailey lowered her head before expelling a deep sigh. “I just want to protect you, Edith.”

I was shocked to see the trembling of her hand. I knew how hurt she was from watching outside my hospital room when I was taking my chemotherapy. I understood her for still feeling the pain even after two years since I recovered from cancer. Ever since we became friends back when we were in Elementary, Bailey and I protected each other.

I tapped the top of her head like a child so she immediately looked up at me. I laughed when she swatted my hand away and raised her fist at me.

“Stop petting me like that. I am not a dog.” Her eyes narrowed before she pulled out her hair which was in a perfectly layered apple cut.

“Aww… Don’t worry. You are cuter than the dog, My Bailey!” Then I bowed slightly and pinched both of her cheeks.

Her eyes widened before she shrugged both of my hands on her cheek. I raised one eyebrow when I noticed the redness in her ears.

Bailey avoided my gaze. She even flattened her black leather jacket before she rubbed her nape, where a tattoo of her saying ‘Always be true to yourself’ was located.

“Argh! How many times do I have to tell you that I am not your man and I do not appreciate you pinching my cheeks like I am some sort of a puppy,” she groggily said before drinking the shot of vodka in front of her.

I giggled before I hugged her tight. Her body became rigid but she did not push me away.

When I broke away from her, I laughed out loud because of the redness on Bailey’s cheeks.

“Hey! Am I seeing this correctly? Does the great Bailey Zara Cortez admire me?” I teased her and she gave me a glare.

“I am into women, but you are definitely not my type,” she said bluntly, avoiding my gaze and then slapping her flushed cheeks with her hands.

I was stunned for a second before I giggled. “Whatever you say, Bailey!” Then, I faced the crowded dance floor where there were all sorts of predatory creatures. Everyone was grinding their hips and rolling their bodies along with the hyped and sexy beat of the music blaring all over the club.

In this crowd, could I really find the man who could claim my virginity that I had kept for twenty-one years?

Bailey seemed right – I was really crazy for doing this tonight.

But to be honest, I did not care at all. The crazy thing you usually did was the same thing that could make you genuinely happy.

I just wanted to be genuinely happy.