The Hunt For Immortal Love

This morning I do not have the strength to do anything at all. Even the dreaded steps that I need to the bathroom every time my body decides to give in is even too much for me.

Much to Sebastian's horror, I started getting really sick throughout the night. God know knows why, but I somehow think that it cannot be morning sickness.All text © NôvelD(r)a'ma.Org.

What is bad is Sebastian insisting on holding my hand every time I do. I so wish that he did not have to go through this; in fact, I do wish that I did not have to go through this. But I guess that this is the hand that we have been dealt, and even though it is incredibly unfair, I need to find that strength that Sebastian wants me to.

But I can't.

The sad thing is, I am going to die.

So as Sebastian takes me back for what seems to be the fourth time this morning, I turn to him. I try to put on the best smile I can, but it is fake; all that is real is the burning inside that is eating me up at such an awful place. It feels as if everything is twisting and turning, and it is being gutted to pieces. It is agony, and I just want it to end.

I want it to end.

I want to experience the joys of being an expecting mother, but instead, I am a mother that might be expecting to die.

Yes, I sound like the world has come to an end, but guess what? It has, and I need to find that strength.

So as Sebastian comes to lay next to me and curl me up in his arms, I search for his eyes. He does not want to look at me. He is crying, and he is trying to hide it. He, too, wants to be strong. But it seems that at times he cannot find it himself. "Sebastian."

"Yes, my beloved."

"It is going to be okay. You are going to be okay."

"What is okay? Is this okay? I somehow don't feel okay. I am supposed to look after you and protect you, and I cant. I am your goddamn husband, and I cannot even do that. It is not okay. This is not okay." "Then tell me, where do we find that strength so that it will be okay?"

"My beloved, I really wish I knew. I know it should be in my hearts, but right now, my heart is so damn sore."

I listen to his voice as it is starting to tremble, and for the so many times this morning, he breaks down and cries. He is right; where do we find that strength? Where? I...

"Sebastian."

"Yes, my beloved?"

"I don't want to die."

And the very words are too hard for him to bear. He rips himself away from my body and rushes out of the bedroom. What seems hours later, he comes back into the room; I can see the blood on his knuckles. He must have hit a wall. He is hurting; not only is his heart breaking, but his body is hurting.

After standing in the doorway for what seems to be a few uncomfortable minutes too long, he comes to lay down next to me on the bed again. I can hear by his strained breathing that he is exhausted. I lean over and give him a peck on his cheek.

"Why don't you rest for a bit? I am feeling a lot better now."

"No, my beloved. I am not leaving you for but one second." "Sebastian, please. I will let you if I am not feeling well."

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"Promise me?"

"I promise."

With that, he slowly closes his eyes.

As I look at him, he seems so peaceful. I would love to believe that he is thinking about only good things, but I know that he has nightmares raging through his mind.

So with nothing but my thoughts, I turn my mind back to the what-ifs. And it is this what-ifs that take Sebastian's hand while I whisper to him, but then much to my very shock, he opens his eyes. "What is wrong, My beloved?"

"Sebastian, I know that the heaviness inside your heart may seem too much to bear, and we don't know if things are going to be okay. I know we need to find that strength, but for now, for now, will you just sit beside me and tell me that you love me."

"My beloved, I love you with all my heart, and if I could, then I would have traded places with you."

"I know that it probably hurts more than anything else ever has, and it sometimes feels like you just cannot go on."

"My beloved, what I feel must be nothing compared to what you are going through. The agony and pain on your face kill me. I wish I knew how to take the pain away."

I squeeze his hand a fraction of a bit tighter, my eyes narrow as my heart feels that I need to tell him how I truly feel. Yes, it is going to break him more than me, but perhaps, perhaps if he knows how I feel, then we can find that strength. "Sebastian, I am so sorry. My body, I just don't know if I can do it anymore. There is nothing more that I want than to spend a lifetime with you and our child. I will fight with every ounce of my being. I want you to know that my love for you will never cease to exist. I know that the love that we share needs to carry us through this, but I just don't know if my body can take this."

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"God, my beloved, I did not know. It feels like I can scream out in loud agony. Every time I have to pick you back up off the floor, it kills me. I want you to know that I am here, my love is here, I am not letting you go."

"You have always had high expectations of yourself, Sebastian. I know that every cell in your being wants to give up and wallow because the sadness and pain are unbearable. I want you to take some time and allow yourself that, but then I need you to put two feet on the ground for me. If you cannot do it for yourself, do it for me."

I can see the tears are starting to build up in his already red and puffy eyes. I know that it sounds like I am saying goodbye, but I feel I need to prepare him; I need to prepare us. Tomorrow is not guaranteed, what we have is now, and now I need him to know how I feel.

"Sebastian, you know that sometimes I just want the world to stop turning. It feels like I am stuck in the darkness. But I want you when you are stuck in the darkness to wake up and watch the sunrise. Each day, when you feel like you cannot put one foot in front of the other, watch the sun slowly rise through the clouds and know that I am still here for you. And when night falls, and the sorrow rears its ugly head again, go outside and look up at the stars and the moon and realize that when you look up at the universe, I am there.

"My beloved, please stop talking like this. You are not dying; you are not going anywhere. You and our baby will be fine."

"But what if I am not?"

"Don't ever say that!"

He sits up straight and takes both of my hands into his.

"My beloved, you will be here as the Spring showers start to fall, the birds start to sing, and the flowers start to bloom. You will be here in Summer to enjoy the sun on your face, the flowers, the fresh-cut grass, the insanely beautiful summer storms, and rainbows. As Fall begins to come around the corner, you will be here to enjoy the crisp air; you will watch the leaves fall from the trees. You will be here to enjoy each moment."

"Oh, Sebastian, I really love you so much."

"Yes, and I love you too. I need you to find that strength. I need you to live with passion and determination. Love is all we have to give of ourselves, and love is what is going to carry us through this unbearable pain. We are going to love big, love fully with every piece of our hearts. We are going to live every day and never leave anything unsaid."

Then he slowly pulls me up into the warmth of his embrace and holds me as tight as my frail aching body allows.

"Close your eyes, my beloved, and you will feel me inside you; I am here guiding you every step of the way. You will give me the best of your life. You will not die."