Unloved: A Novel (The Undone)

We spend the rest of Thanksgiving break wrapped in each other. It goes by too fast.

But at the end of it all, I find myself giddy to start back despite the anxiety of what comes next—because Matt Fredderic is my boyfriend, and he has my back.

It’s like an extra burst of confidence, one I rely on heavily as I wake early Sunday morning and set up in the empty kitchen downstairs at the Hockey House to type out my email.

I started the draft the night that Matt told me about his relationship with Dr. Carmen Tinley. Hatred fueled the majority of it, so it was unprofessional and rude. Rereading it now, I don’t disagree with a word I typed. But it won’t work to CC the dean on an email like that.

The front door slams noisily and I blanch, worrying my lip as I wait to see who’s home first.

Bennett Reiner saunters in, stopping in the doorway of the kitchen, staring at me for a moment.

“Hi,” I squeak, tucking my hair back. “I just needed to do some work in the quiet—but I don’t want to get in your way.”

He shakes his head. “You’re fine, Ro.” The words are kind, but completely flat, his furrowed brow never letting up as he turns his baseball cap backward with a heavy sigh and starts grabbing ingredients from the shelves and fridge methodically.

Large shoulders heave with a deep breath, head ducking between them before he tosses a towel over his shoulder and turns back to me.

“Are you hungry?”

“Me?” Every thought scatters—direct eye contact with Bennett is heavy. “I, um, yeah. But you don’t have to—”

“Cooking helps me think,” he admits, turning toward the stove. “It makes me calm, too.”

The admission is gentle, soft, despite the gruffness of the words that sound like they’ve cut him as he says them.

“Sewing does that for me. Making stuff—like, I don’t want to be a fashion designer or seamstress or anything. I just like it.”

Bennett nods and grants me what I think is his version of a smile over his shoulder. “Yeah, same. I don’t want to be a chef. I just like to cook for people.”

The rest of the morning passes in silence—besides the various sounds of Bennett cooking and the click-clack of my keyboard as I write and rewrite my email. Eventually, Matt stumbles down the stairs and plants a kiss on my cheek, sitting next to me at the bar top. Bennett sets a plate of malted vanilla waffles with fresh fruit, a traditional French omelet with a garnish, and a plate of fresh maple-glazed bacon—which I think he made that way—in front of me, and my mouth drops open.

“I don’t like that.” Matt frowns, his finger pushing my chin back up to close my mouth.

“What?”

“You looking at my goalie like he’s performed some kind of miracle,” he says dramatically.

“Learn to cook, then,” Bennett says quietly, a hint of a smile on his face as he hands Matt a plate with a stuffed omelet, veggies and chicken overflowing.

“Orrr,” Matt says slowly, eyeing me with a mischievous smirk. “I can take you back upstairs and—”

“It’s like a family reunion in here,” another deep voice chimes in, perfectly on cue. “And smells like Bennett’s home.”

Sadie is on Rhys’s back like a very reluctant, very angry koala bear. Her ankle is wrapped tightly still, but I know it’s a sprain and she’s good to walk. She might even be nearly cleared to skate.

My roommate waves at me before beating her fist against the hockey captain’s chest. He bats her arm away like a buzzing fly.

“Sadie,” Matt says with a salute. “You look… taller.”

“Ha-ha,” she deadpans. “I’m rolling over here.”

“Rolling! That’s a great idea—we should get you a wheelchair to run around Waterfell in. I’ll even volunteer to push you around.”

“I can walk,” she grumbles. “Put me down, hotshot.”

Rhys turns his head to catch her lips with a little smirk before ordering his left winger out of the chair, dropping Sadie in next to me.

“Ridiculous,” she grumbles, snatching a piece of fruit from my untouched plate. “Do you see this?”

Rhys snaps his finger at her, face serious as he orders, “You need up, you tell me.”

“Wanna bet?”

She looks like a feral kitten facing off with a calm, stern labrador.

“Walk and see what happens, kotonyok.” He accents the Russian heavily, and I melt a little. Even Sadie’s eyes go a little hazy before she can help it.

“Hey,” Matt snaps, pulling out of the hug he’d just granted his friend. “Not cool—either of you. No foreign language shit, that’s cheating.” He points toward Bennett. “And you? No cooking in front of my girlfriend—that’s… that’s even worse, I think.”

I nod with a beaming smile, biting into the waffles with a groan.

“See?” Matt says with an annoyed huff.

Sadie is giggling next to me, snatching my food and nodding along with me.

“Definitely the food, that’s the most romantic.”

Rhys and Matt stare over at us, arms crossed. Bennett blushes and excuses himself from the room.

“We’ve got practice tonight,” Rhys says to Matt. “Wanna catch a ride with me? The girls can hang out here.”

The words alone make me giddy—my best friend and me having a girls’ night, while our boyfriends go to hockey practice. It feels like a movie, but better because it’s Sadie and it’s Matt. They’re better than anything I could’ve made up in my head.

It feels like the warmth of being home. For the first time since I left California, I don’t feel homesick.

The COSAM offices are quiet Monday morning, which gives me some time to go over my speech a few times. Fortunately, I don’t have to speak directly to Dr. Tinley in order to withdraw.

Unfortunately, I have to speak to Tyler Donaldson, head GTA of the program.

Clearing my throat, I finally work up the courage to walk over to him.

“Can I speak with you a minute, Tyler?”

He’s surrounded by his friends, his posse, which is basically everyone we work with. I tried for years not to feel isolated and alone. Because I was dating Tyler, I thought maybe I could count these guys as my friends, but they aren’t. They never were.

That’s okay. I have real friends—people who care about me. Sadie, Matt, Rhys, Bennett.

Real people who support me. Who like me exactly as I am.

“Now?” Tyler grumbles, turning to say something condescending—no doubt about me. I ignore it, staying focused on my task.

“It’ll only take a minute.”

He sighs heavily, crossing his arms and rolling his eyes as he turns to me. “Whatever it is, go ahead.”

“Okay.” I move my eyes over his group. A few of them look awkwardly away from me, not really wanting to be part of this. Mark smirks, mimicking Tyler’s stance entirely. “I’m withdrawing my application to Tinley’s internship track. I just wanted to let you know, formally.”

Tyler frowns. Mark’s smile only grows.

“Why?” my ex-boyfriend blurts, catching himself off guard. I watch him slowly regain his composure; I’m sure it wasn’t what he expected me to say. “I mean, clearly you weren’t going to make it into the program anyway, but you were so determined to try. So, please, RoRo, enlighten us. Why the change of heart?”

“First,” I snap, watching my attitude shock him back a step. “Don’t call me that. We aren’t dating. And I’ve always hated that name. Second, it’s actually none of your business why I’m withdrawing.”

Fury paints his cheeks and the tips of his ears bright pink.

“You know what, Ro? I tried to be nice to you, to gently lead you down the right path. You’ve never been at our level. You were never a serious contender to Tinley or me, so good for you for figuring that out soon enough not to be embarrassed by the rejection.”

I swallow, my throat tight. Shame bubbles in my stomach like acid.

It isn’t that I believe him. But it doesn’t make the pain of hearing someone who once told me he loved me say as much as he can to hurt me.

“I earned my spot on the team just as much as any of you.”

Good. A surge of pride at my quick defense of myself rolls through me.

“And you really think you were here on merit?” He laughs, and I deflate. I’m desperately trying to hold back the tears. But if I cry in front of them, then I’m proving them all right.

“Tyler—”

He steps into my space and tugs lightly on the silk bow tied to one of my braids, and suddenly I’m ten and my teacher is telling me not to antagonize the boys, even though they’re the ones making fun of me.

“You dress like a kid and act like one. I don’t know why I ever thought I could take you seriously as a girlfriend.” He peeks behind him at our entire team and laughs again.

I want to scream. Or cry. Maybe throw up.

“That’s enough,” I spit out, choked by the anger that’s making my eyes water. “Stop it.”

My obvious reaction to him, the engagement with his barbs, only spurs him on.

“No.” Tyler shakes his head. “You should be thanking me for even taking a chance on you. It was never enough for you.”

“You’re trying to hurt me, and you know you’re not smarter than me.” I cross my arms, trying to stifle the overwhelming urge to run and hide. To appease him enough so that I can just leave. “So you’re trying to attack, what? My clothing? My previous mistake in dating you? Grow up and move on, Tyler.”

It’s like I didn’t even speak, his voice only growing in volume to continue over my protests.

“You acted like a slut when we were together, so I don’t think it surprises anyone that you jumped into bed with the school’s whore.”

I can only hear the fury and anger and pain roaring in my ears until it all pushes out of me.

“Considering I wrote your entire research paper that got you into this program in the first place for you, I think it’s you who should be thanking me.”

Someone is trying to get our attention, calling out to both of us, but we’re locked in this face-off. Years of pent-up frustration against one narcissistic circular argument.

“Thanking you?” Tyler sneers, dropping his voice. “You pathetic bitch—the only reason you work here is because I vouched for you. I asked for Dr. Carmen to put you in, to consider you for the internship.” He steps closer, all menacing fury. It’s like a switch has flipped and he’s revealed the monster buried beneath the mask of privilege and fake confidence.

“No one ever thought you’d actually make it into the program. Grow up, Ro.”

Tyler pulls the ribbon from my hair on his way past me, clipping my shoulder with his harshly enough that someone shouts.

Matt—Matt is here.

In my corner, just like he promised.

“Get the fuck away from her,” my boyfriend growls, stalking through the room.

I don’t know how long he’s been here, but the second his hand makes contact with mine, relief floods my system like a shockwave. Sinking back until I’m almost in his arms, I let a few tears escape. Because it doesn’t matter that I shouldn’t listen to Tyler. Even knowing I don’t believe a word he said about me to be true, the pain is still there. Still real.

Matt Fredderic’s entrance has only reignited Tyler’s frenzy.

“Did you tell your new little boyfriend about how obsessed with him you were?” he asks, spinning back toward us. It faintly registers that Dr. Tinley is here, too, practically hiding behind her office door, watching us all.

“How you lied about meeting him freshman year? Telling me he was your first kiss?” He barks out a laugh and winks at me. “I mean, I knew you were pathetic, Ro, but—”

“What?”

Matt’s brow furrows and he glances at me, only for a millisecond before he’s back to glaring at Tyler.

“Oh—she’s never told you?” Tyler claps, almost gleeful. “I’d think that would’ve been your first words to him—reminding him that he was your first kiss, freshman year, right? So romantic.”

“Ro?”

“I—I—”

Nothing comes out. Humiliation and anxiety war for dominance in a match that has me searching for the nearest trash can in case I do decide to throw up.

“God, for such a smart girl, you really act pathetically stupid sometimes.” Tyler rolls his eyes. “RoRo here has had a crush on you since freshman year. She’s told everyone that you were her first kiss—that you shared some magical night together.”noveldrama

He shakes his head at Matt, as if he’s chatting up one of his buddies and not a guy he’s relentlessly mocked, a student he insufficiently tutored and someone he’s claimed to hate for years.

“I thought at first it was to make me jealous. Then she wanted to go to your games all the time. And finally, she begged us to let her tutor you—right after we broke up.” Tyler huffs a laugh and tucks his hands into his pockets. “Hate to break it to you, Freddy, but she’s, like, a stalker. I mean—we only started dating after I started tutoring you.”

The room goes quiet, ice cold against my skin that still feels like it’s on fire.

That’s… that’s not true.

I mean—yes, parts of it are, but… But, I begged not to be Matt’s tutor. And I never had any clue that Tyler was tutoring Freddy at all.

Terrified to look at Matt, to see the belief or disgust on his face, I close my eyes tightly.

“Matt, I swear I—”

He holds his hand up, stopping the word vomit on my tongue. My cheeks flame hotter, shame eating me from the inside out.

“Listen to me, Donaldson—you’re an asshole. If anyone is pathetic here, it’s you. I know you think I’m too stupid to remember exactly how we met, but I haven’t taken that many pucks to the head yet.

“Ro is the best person in this department—she’s smart, a genius, really, and you’re so threatened by her you can’t stand that you don’t have some weird control over her. But you can’t stop her from being better than you anymore.”

“She’s not—”

“I’m not done, Donaldson.” Matt calmly cuts him off. “My dad is just like you. A narcissistic, abusive asshole. And he turned out just as washed-up and miserable as I’m sure you will be. Now back off. You love telling everyone else they’re stupid, but you’re a full-blown idiot.”

He laughs, eyes dancing as he flicks his gaze to me. “You’re telling me my girlfriend and I kissed freshman year? That she’s been crushing on me since then—while she was dating you?” The smile that takes over Matt’s face is beaming, his arms stretching out around my shoulders lazily. “That’s the best thing I’ve heard all year.”

Tyler is furious, and my emotions are so jumbled I feel a little nauseous, leaning into Matt’s body for support.

“Now, princess.” Matt turns to me and kisses my cheek. “Do you need anything else? Anything you wanna say before we leave?”

I shake my head, eyes wide and wonder filled as I gaze up at him.

“Great.”

He walks to my desk, leaving everyone else frozen in shock as he grabs my bag and anything off my desk, setting it all inside and zipping up the sage-green backpack with a ribbon still hanging off it. Sliding it onto his back without a second thought, he grabs my hand and starts to lead me out.

We strut past Tyler first, and my boyfriend leans in to whisper, “Thanks for the info. You can’t imagine how good it feels to know that all five times you slept with my girlfriend, she was thinking about me.” He grabs Tyler’s shoulder and jostles him slightly. “Good talk, man. And hey, if you ever talk to her again, I’ll kick your ass. For real this time.”

He ends it with a big beaming smile, grabbing my hand again as we walk out of the main area, passing by the Dr. Tinley’s office door on the way.

Carmen Tinley is still standing half in, half out, looking a little shellshocked at the entire outburst.

“I’m done, Dr. Tinley,” I say, barely restraining my tone. “I quit—tutoring, TA’ing, any of it. I want to be dropped from consideration for your cohort in the spring.”

She clears her throat. “May I ask why?”

Her gaze flicks to Matt and I stand a little taller, wishing I could cover him entirely.

“I think you know why.”

We exit the door in silence, waiting until we’ve cleared the entire COSAM building and are walking across the greenery of central campus before Matt whips around and clasps me in a hug.

“I’m so proud of you!”

Our words are identical, overlapping so perfectly that we dissolve into happy laughter.

It feels like a fresh start—a real one, this time.

I can be whoever I want to be.